Freedom

Today (or rather yesterday, considering the time), I am debt free!

Am I Enough?

"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?" - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I finished listening to The Dance today. She makes some very interesting points. Like maybe we should spend our time, not trying to change who we are, but in being who we are. And she wonders if the reality that money essentially, through its position as a medium of exchange, has become such a natural substitute, that we substitute it for other things in our lives: security, love, justice, etc. . .

It was a thought-provoking book, which ended with several meditations. Apparently my abilities to multi-task don't extend to meditating, while balancing transactions and keeping up with several IM conversations, so I didn't get the full benefit.

Poll Results:

1/3 of the people motivated enough to take the poll (I mean, how hard was it really?) are superstars that jump out of bed raring to go. The other 2/3 prefer to hibernate. Maybe we'll try it again in the spring and see if warmer weather changes people's preferences. . .

Thanks for voting!

Question:

I've been listening to a bunch of books on tape at work. I've heard about politics, food, brain problems, money, etc. Yesterday I finished up a book (Start From Where You Are) that talked about how, if you aren't so excited about your life and what you're doing with it that you can barely wait to get up every morning, then you're not doing what you should be doing with your life. Being the type of person who drags myself from my bed every morning (or afternoon) under protest, I thought that was interesting. But, it made me curious. Is it normal for people to be excited to get up in the morning? I've added a very scientific poll to find out. Please choose the option that best describes you the majority of the time, and we'll see if I'm the only one leading an unfulfilling life.

I'm mad at God, and myself, and the whole stinking world

I read somewhere recently that it was okay to be mad at God, because He could take it. Well, I sure hope so, because I can't deal with this any more. And since there is nothing I can do to change it, all I can do at this point is whine about it. I got a stupid cold/flu thing a few days ago. That's been making me miserable. A stuffy head makes my headaches a lot worse. Then I got cramps, which are just horrible by themselves. Then I went to church, which, for whatever reason (my personal feeling is that God doesn't want me there so my headaches intensify while I'm there) always makes my headaches insanely bad. So, now I'm having a breakdown. And, for those of you that think I'm always having a breakdown, I just want to point out that I spend a great deal of my life pretending to be an adult. Not right now, mind you, when all I really want to do is call my mommy and cry, but most of the time. Which is another gripe. If trials are really supposed to just be there to teach us lessons and all of that crap, then why, after I try so hard to be good and helpful and pleasant and calm, do I still have to go through the stupid trial? Obviously I'm going to fail if you make it long enough. People can only withstand torture for so long, it's a fact. And if anyone thinks I'm exaggerating with the torture, you just try this for a day or so and we'll see how you hold up without going stark raving mad and wanting someone to put a bullet in you. And then do it for nine more years. Which brings me to another point. Why is suicide wrong? It doesn't make sense. I understand that even though life gets so unbearable you can't handle it, it usually turns around. But, what if it doesn't? If life stays unbearable forever, why do you have to put up with it? Who benefits from that? Why is it humane to kill animals to end their suffering, but not okay for humans? Did I mention I'm just really mad at the world right now? I'm so tired of things not being fair. And I know other people have problems, blah, blah, blah. . .but I just don't care right now. I'll make a deal - if my problems go away, I'll care a whole lot about other people's problems. . . how's that?

Just when you think God's ignoring you. . .

I figure God hears enough of my whining that maybe He's started to tune me out. Until I was talking to my sister today about whether God ever just miscalculates how much someone can really handle. I mean, it's possible, right? Simple enough mistake to make. Understandable really. Some of us do appear quite tough (I'm flexing here). But the camel is buried in a big straw stack at this point. My headaches are off the chart bad, and I'm not dealing well. They are changing, which I prefer to see as a positive thing, but since they're getting worse, maybe that's not the most accurate way of seeing it. It's like a sledgehammer now instead of an icepick, and the duration has at least doubled, if not tripled. The frequency is down a bit, but the intensity's up. Can't have everything.

So, how do I know that God still has an ear out for me? The daily motivation I get in my email today said (in part): "Who you truly are, is always much stronger than whatever you might be going through." I suppose it's nicer than just saying "Stop whining and deal with it".

Learning. . .

It's always amazed me that the human body, with so many complex systems and organs, not to mention the human soul, arrives in this world with no user manual. No instructions, no warning labels, no guidelines attached. As each of my siblings has become a parent, I've watched in awe as they care for these tiny infants with no defined rules. How do you know why they're crying? What are you supposed to feed them, and how soon? How sick do they have to be to take them to the doctor? How do you teach them everything they need to know to care for themselves? It's a fascinating study, and everyone's parenting style is so different.

For me, the questions don't stop at childhood. How do you care for an adult person properly? What comprises good nutrition? How do you make sure that you, personally, are getting the right mixture of sleep, relaxation, work, play, food, water, exercise, fresh air, spiritual interaction, social interaction, intellectual stimulation, etc, in your life to ensure your happiness, health, survival, and passion for life? And why don't we come with user manuals?

My latest chiropractor, who specializes in NUCCA, which involves adjusting just the atlas bone, is also someone with an extraordinary passion for exploring the way the body functions. He's been hosting a radio show for years now that, every Wednesday morning, discusses health, and he gives copies of his shows away at his office. Very interesting stuff. He's entertaining and informative, and I've been listening to some of the CD's at work lately.

Random things I never knew: the bloodstream is the body's number one priority. Your body will put toxins anywhere but the blood, so medical bloodtests will only detect problems after they've been there for a while and gotten quite serious. A clean liver is a happy body. Your liver is your first filtration system, and once the enzymes are gone, your health will fail. An improperly working liver is what causes sluggishness and general apathy. The typical American diet destroys your enzymes. The best foods for general digestive health: broccoli, brussel sprouts, asparagus, egg yolks, red pepper, garlic, onions, cabbage, shallots, and scallions. Your body requires salt, and not for the added iodine. Good fats are essential. Since the low-fat diet was introduced, cancer rates have skyrocketed. Cancer cells have the highest concentration of two elements: ascorbic acid and sugars. Any antacids that you take are artificially opening a valve and depositing toxins into the next area, where the problem will just get worse. If your digestion isn't working properly, your body will not absorb any nutrients from your food (assuming there is any there to begin with). There are a few stages of how your body deals with toxins: the first stage involves the body attempting to excrete it (snot, puke, sweat, rashes, acne, diarrhea, etc), the second stage is inflammation where the body will try and burn it out. In the third stage the body will temporarily deposit the toxins in a non-vital fat tissue area to store for later cleanup, and it will encase the toxin in a covering. Once the body is unable to continue with the energy and resources necessary to keep the covering, it will dissolve and the toxins will spread again. Once the toxins are running rampant, it's pretty much all over. That's why children get "sick" (runny noses, coughs, fevers, etc) more often than adults, because their bodies are still working properly and trying to expel the toxins. As we age we may get sick less and assume that we're therefore healthier, without realizing that our bodies have just given up. The stored toxins will contribute to the tired feeling of "aging".

I've also learned how to say "yes" and "no" in Hindi, but that's something different entirely.

I'm Done

Okay, it's official - I'm done. I'm handing in my resignation and quitting. The universe knows that I can't handle anything else and yet it handed me more. If it's not going to play fair, neither am I. I quit.

Essential Oils

I got some essential oils a couple of days ago. Okay, 25 of them. And a box, fractionated coconut oil, a diffuser, and some pills. Point is, they're really pretty fun. Apparently they cure about everything. Haven't gotten rid of the IPH yet, but I'm trying. So far they've helped with energy, mood, bug bites, disinfecting, circulation, pimples, sleep, and cramps. Endless fun!

I'll never let the chiropractor cut my hair again!

So, my sister and I went to the chiropractor last week (the witch doctor, not the muscle one) and had some extensive tests done. Well, I had extensive tests done, we went back after we realized she got gypped. He cut some hair off to do toxicity testing on, and ended up chopping off about 7 different clumps, down by the root. Now, every time I feel my hair, there are all these nasty pokey pieces that annoy me. Now we're waiting, for both the results, and the stool sample collection kit that's supposed to arrive in the mail. I know, such a cool thing to wait for ;)

I'm also waiting for my hair to grow back. . .

Still waiting. . .

Sadness

So, ten years ago, I was in Italy with one of my sisters, and we bought sandals. I bought these sandals:
They are wonderfully comfortable, and have garnished compliments for the 10 years I've owned them. And they've been my main late spring-summer-early fall sandals for those 10 years. I love these sandals.



But, I threw them away today. And I cried.

I need another trip to Italy.

That sounds yummy. . .

So, at the chiropractor yesterday, he told me that I have parasites, and read off a list of truly horrid sounding possiblilities, mostly ending in worm. I said, "That sounds yummy." Which he laughed at. He's supposed to check next week and see whether anything diet-wise needs done to get rid of them. I always pictured my headaches as more of a gerbil wearing cleats as opposed to tiny wiggly things, but whatever works - just get it all out of my head!

More Random Thoughts

"If you want to be strong, be you. Be the real you that no circumstance, no twist of fate can diminish."

Over the weekend I finally got the basketball hoop I got for Christmas up. And by "I", I really mean, Peter and Andrea did. Mostly Peter, since he had to fix all of our mistakes, too. That's been a lot of fun.

I'm into the second week of the Israeli exercise program. I actually got up before 7:30 on a holiday to exercise and shower before the breakfast. I was impressed.

The last visit to my chiropractor, he cleared me of the emotional trauma that triggered the headache. Sounds useful, can't really tell a difference.

Finally got back to my book. It needs a lot of work, and I have less than a month.

Who would I be if I wasn't broken?

That was the title of some blog post I read recently (notice the complete plagiarism). I've thought about this a few times, over the last couple of years. I spent the years before that not acknowledging that I even was broken. The thing about chronic pain is that it fundamentally changes you. When pain just doesn't give you a break, then eventually it breaks you. It's like when you're really sick or really tired, or both, and you get grouchy and snappy and irritable and fault-finding and you can't seem to help yourself. The difference is, eventually you tend to be well and rested again, at some point. Unless you're a parent, and then it might take 18 years or so. But imagine that out of control person you don't want to be, all the time, and then couple it with the hopelessness of understanding that there might not ever be an end.

I can't remember anymore if I used to be a nice person, or a good person. I can't remember what I ever did for fun, or enjoyed doing. I can't remember if I used to be able to actually handle life, without falling apart at anything remotely stressful. I do remember that I used to very rarely cry. Usually the only thing that would make me is extreme frustration. Maybe that's why I cry so often now.

Sometimes I feel like a really rotten person for hating life so much right now. I do have a lot of blessings in my life, and all around me I see people who have it harder. I sat next to a woman in a wheelchair at church today. I should be a lot more grateful that I'm mobile, that all of my senses work, and that I'm surrounded by good, loving people. Then again, I should be a lot of things that I'm just not.

Whine over.

Insanity

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, I've got your crazy person right here. This Wednesday I'm going to get the balloon thing done again. I'm actually hoping for the same results, just longer lasting. Not the pain, although I'm expecting that, but last time it actually did clear me up for a few days and noticeably improved the headaches. So, I'm going to try it again, and hope that it's a little more permanent. After all, I've only got three more neck muscles to go, so if I don't get a miracle cure soon, I've pretty much just wasted a bunch of time and money, and you know that's unprecedented. He was willing to do it on my last visit, but I chickened out because I thought it might be better if I was more prepared for it. Ha! Now I've spent the last few days dreading it. One of these days I'm going to remember that I don't get braver as time goes on. He did tell me an inspiring story about a 10-year-old boy who had it done, didn't cry, and came through with flying colors. I've never said that I was braver than a 10-year-old, and on Wednesday, I'm pretty sure I'll prove it!

My nose is traumatized

I went to the chiropractor this morning, expecting to get another muscle reactivated. I have five left, in case anyone cares. But he said that the results weren't what he wanted, because, after all, he has a reputation, so he suggested that we try sticking a balloon up my nose and inflating it. Okay, so the procedure actually has a real name - cranial something, but that's pretty much the gist of it. And if it sounds painful, that's because it is. He did it four times in each nostril, and pumped it three times apiece. I could feel the bones cracking around up there. He said there might be some sensitivity later. Some. Try a lot. I've had to blow my nose all day and it really hurts. Enough that I left work early, because I'm a big baby. I'm hoping it will help with the sinus problems, though, because I'm really tired of waking up with my head feeling stuffy everyday. In case you're wondering, it was marginally less painful than the Q-tip procedure, and took a lot less time, so between the two, I'd definitely recommend the balloon. Although not having anything stuck up your nose is probably the best option.

The Picture Doctor

So, around Christmas-timeish, I sent a full-length digital picture of myself to a healer guy my dad knows. He emailed me a spreadsheet of his analysis, and then my parents (being the super caring people they are) gave me the herbal formulas he'd recommended. Except the barley green, which was supposed to be available at Walmart. Well, I went to Walmart back then, and they didn't have it, so I checked a couple other places and eventually gave up on it as I was occupied with the herbologist at the same time. Then, yesterday, I called my dad about something unrelated, and he mentioned that the picture doctor had done a followup on my picture and discovered that I wasn't taking the barley green. Kinda spooky, since he really shouldn't be able to tell that from a picture, especially the same one. Anyway, I went to Walmart and actually asked somebody in their pharmacy, who said they didn't have it, but recommended that I check GNC. They didn't have it, but recommended that I check Harmons. They didn't have it, so I ended up coming home, where I checked Swanson online. I remember checking Swanson before, but they must have upgraded their search engine, because it came up with barley grass and I was able to order some. So, in the next few days, I should be able to take barley greens and see what that does for me. Pretty freaky, though! I hope he only uses his powers for good.

Wrinkle Reducer

I just happened upon something that helps me deal with the headaches. Apparently, when they hit, if I can concentrate on saying, "I am stronger than the pain," over and over again out loud, it distracts me enough I don't have to grab my head. Which means I'm not squinching up my face, which hopefully will help with reducing the wrinkles. Because it's bad enough to be in pain, but wrinkles? That's insult to injury, right there.

I've still been going to the chiropractor. He's cleared all my allergies, and I've still got a few muscles that need reactivated. Don't ask how many, because I keep forgetting to ask him.

Anyway, I just keep thinking of the quote: Sometimes our strengths are composed of the weaknesses we're damned if we're going to show. Sometimes I think the worst thing about these stupid IPH is me looking like a freak every time I have to grab my head. Then I remember that really the pain is the worst thing.

At work we've had a few people from another department come over and sit with us for a couple of hours to watch what we do. I've had 5 or 6 sit with me over the last couple of weeks. Last Saturday, my coworker ran into someone from that department out and about, and she asked about me. She wasn't one of the ones that had even visited us! Apparently, I'm now famous. My coworker knew I'd appreciate that one.

Looking for direction

Hope is not a course of action.

I think over the years my focus has changed from what I want to be when I grow up into who I want to be. Perhaps that's because I could never answer the first one, so it's easier to attempt to answer a new question that seems harder, and therefore more legitimately should take longer; but I'm going to give me the benefit of the doubt and say it just means that I'm trying to be more in tune with my real purpose as I age. So, now my pet project, which I'm becoming a bit obsessed with, is to define exactly who I would like to become.

My Level of Self-Discipline

So, searching the internet last night for ideas on how to actually make myself get out of bed in the morning, I ran across this list of questions for determining one's level of self discipline. Let me forewarn you, mine sucks. Let's see if yours is better. Taken from Steve.Pavlina.com.

• Do you shower/bathe every day? yeah, pretty much
  
• Do you get up at the same time every morning? Including weekends? no
  
• Are you overweight? no
  
• Do you have any addictions (caffeine, nicotine, sugar, etc.) you’d like to break but haven’t? yes
  
• Is your email inbox empty right now? my main one yes, work one no, other one almost
  
• Is your office neat and well organized? no
  
• Is your home neat and well organized? no
  
• How much time do you waste in a typical day? On a weekend? a lot
  
• If you make a promise to someone, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it? 49%
  
• If you make a promise to yourself, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it? 9%, although, in my defense I always try to make myself do hard things
  
• Could you fast for one day? possibly
  
• How well organized is your computer’s hard drive? pretty good
  
• How often do you exercise? never
  
• What’s the greatest physical challenge you’ve ever faced, and how long ago was it? I got myself to run a mile two and a half years ago, then promptly stopped
  
• How many hours of focused work do you complete in a typical workday? probably 7 or so
  
• How many items on your to do list are older than 90 days? most of them
  
• Do you have clear, written goals? Do you have written plans to achieve them? somewhat, not really
  
• If you lost your job, how much time would you spend each day looking for a new one, and how long would you maintain that level of effort? a couple of hours, probably a week or so
  
• How much TV do you currently watch? Could you give up TV for 30 days? I don't technically have TV, but Netflix has taken over my life
  
• How do you look right now? What does your appearance say about your level of discipline (clothes, grooming, etc)? relaxed (read slightly slobby, although I've never gone out in public in pajama pants), level of discipline 5 (hey, I'm showered, my hair&teeth got brushed, I have clean clothes on)
  
• Do you primarily select foods to eat based on health considerations or on taste/satiety? about half and half
  
• When was the last time you consciously adopted a positive new habit? Discontinued a bad habit? Does it count that I've thought of creating positive new habits for a long time?
  
• Are you in debt? Do you consider this debt an investment or a mistake? yes, mistake/investment/seemed like a good idea at the time
  
• Did you decide in advance to be reading this blog right now, or did it just happen? I prefer to think of it as divine intervention
  
• Can you tell me what you’ll be doing tomorrow? Next weekend? sleeping, eating, etc
  
• On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your overall level of self-discipline? 2
  
• What more could you accomplish if you could answer that last question with a 9 or 10? a whole lot
  

Just not seeing it. . .

So, here's another thing in the long list of things I don't understand: why is it that people compliment me on the way I deal with my headaches and the whole chronic pain in general thing? Don't get me wrong, it's very nice of them, and I'll take any compliment I can get, but don't they know I'm a big whiner on the inside? I always feel like I'm undeserving when people tell me that I'm tough, or amazing, or inspiring, or actually suffering with grace. Really, I'm just surviving, and if I'm able to laugh about some things in life along the way, that's just because I'd be crying otherwise. And I do enough of that. So, just for all you truly wonderful people out there, I'm pretty sure given the same trials you'd probably rock out. I just hope you never have to test that theory, because it sucks.

Live your life

"You can't leave footprints if you walk on your tiptoes."

If I Were. . .

If I were a month, I’d be June.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Wednesday
If I were a time of day, I’d be dusk
If I were a planet, I’d be Mercury
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a sea horse
If I were a direction, I’d be northwest
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a canopied bed
If I were a liquid, I’d be hot chocolate
If I were a gemstone, I’d be an opal
If I were a tree, I’d be a weeping willow
If I were a tool, I’d be a set of needle-nose pliers
If I were a flower, I’d be a tiger lily
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be sunny but cool with a slight breeze
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a harp
If I were a color, I’d be a purplish blue
If I were an emotion, I’d be wonder
If I were a fruit, I’d be an apricot
If I were a sound, I’d be silence
If I were an element, I’d be air
If I were a car, I’d be a Mitsubishi Eclipse
If I were a food, I’d be fresh spinach
If I were a place, I’d be the Taj Mahal
If I were a material, I’d be silk
If I were a taste, I’d be tangy
If I were a scent, I’d be sandalwood
If I were an object, I’d be a book
If I were a body part, I’d be an ankle
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a raised eyebrow
If I were a song, I’d be The Hard Way
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be sandals

Decisions, decisions. . .

I've been going to the muscle reactivation chiropractor for a few times now. His initial assessment was that I have about 14 neck muscles that need work. He's done about half of them now. It's a strange process - he pokes at random points on my body, finds the tender spots, and then pokes them even harder, so it hurts. It's making a difference in the muscle strength, definitely. From the test at the beginning to the end I can really tell. The headaches don't seem so impressed, though. They do seem a little less frequent, but it's hard to tell a real difference. My last visit he ran through the allergy tests and found six things he says that I'm allergic too. He's going to work on them along with the AMIT, which means the visits (he's been doing one muscle per visit) are going to start costing $95 each instead of $55. Which brings me to the question - when do I give up? Obviously it's worth the money if it fixes the IPH, but what if it doesn't? When does it all end? I am completely out of savings, back to living paycheck to paycheck, which I swore I'd never do again, and I don't know what to do.

Which brings me to the question, how important are the decisions we make? I mean, obviously they guide the lives we end up with and the people we become, but since we never know for sure what would be different had we made the other choice, do we need to stress about them? I've made plenty of really bad choices, but I'm okay with the person I am now, and I don't think I could have become this person with any other choices. Maybe I would be better, maybe not. I could be worse.

Which leads me to the wait and see decision, which isn't really a decision. But, I guess I'm good to go until the money runs out and I'm living in a cardboard box, right?

My Newest Chiropractor

My sister's mother-in-law's friend has apparently been going to this chiropractor that has really helped her and so I was encouraged to try him out. I had an appointment on Thursday morning. He was very nice. He did the whole new patient history thing, and then did a simple little adjustment on the base of my neck that he said should start things working again. He had tested my resistance, and it was bad. After the adjustment he tested me again, and the difference was really obvious. I've noticed over the last couple of days the frequency of the IPH has really lessened. Especially since I've been super tired and pretty stressed out over some stuff at work. So, I'm anxious for my next appointment, which is super early on Monday morning.

Here's the strange thing, though. This chiropractor does muscle activation, which is something I hadn't heard of until one of my coworkers referred me to her brother's chiropractor who does it. So, how strange is that? Anyway, that's what he's supposed to do on Monday, is test me for what muscles need reactivated. And test me for allergies. We'll see.

At work a few days ago, a posterboard fell on my head. It was a foam board, so it really just startled me, but ever since, when I forget something, or do something stupid, I just say, "You know, before that board hit me. . ." I'm contemplating trying to get worker's compensation for these headaches that I get now that I was hit with a board at work. Probably wouldn't fly - darn it.

Integrity

I came across this really interesting article today. It was written by Lauren Zander, entitled The Secret to Facing This Scary World. She talks about how there is one simple, single element that will enable people to overcome their fears and be effective in accomplishing their goals. According to her, "This comes from one place only - having personal integrity, which is complete trust in yourself to do what you say you will do. It seems counter-intuitive that a fear of things external could be solved by trust in yourself, but it really is true." She goes on to talk about how people often think integrity is based on their interactions with others, but it really is grounded in your relationship with yourself, and how consistent you are with doing the things you know you should. "People who learn to keep a promise to themselves - no matter what it is - have the power to change anything in their life, because they know they can trust themselves to do it." She has some good advice on how to develop personal integrity, and then closes with something that I found profound, "If you don't ever experience fear, you need to ask if you are really going after things that matter to you."

I'm terrible about giving myself excuses about why I haven't done the things I know I need to do. Usually I don't even bother with creative excuses, just that I was tired, or not in the mood, or not feeling well. I've never really thought of it as lying to myself, but, like Lauren said, "Your soul always knows the truth." And my soul knows that if I really wanted or needed to do it, I would have. I am capable of doing a lot more than I actually do. Maybe it's time to capitalize on that.

Happy New Year!

Or, for those of you who remember ShowBoat: Haaaaapy New Year! I'm going to remember 2009 with fondness. I crossed 3 things off of my 43 Things List, moved to Utah from Illinois, got a new job, moved departments twice, paid off $7234 of debt (leaving me with $4700 to pay this year), wrote more than I have in years, tried lots more doctors, tried online dating, and in general rediscovered that I actually like myself. Good times.

So, for 2010, here's the plan: I'm going to blackbelt my finances so that I can completely pay off the rest of my debt and get some money in savings. I'm assuming that by June or sooner I'll feel comfortable moving to an apartment. By my birthday in June I should be in my own place and have my Owed novel printed. I'm thinking if that gets done I'll celebrate with a spa day and some nice fish and chocolate from some place online that charges outrageous prices but looks really good. That, of course, would mean all my debt was gone. I'd like to get all my stuff under control, which I'll have to do most of after I move, since right now most of what I own (which somehow I've been living without just fine) is storing in the shed. But, I still have my filing and clothing to go through now. I'll continue working on the headaches, there's still a lot of lifestyle changes I need to make. Getting more consistent sleep, exercising, and meal plans. I want to cook more, and play basketball once the weather's warmer, and wake up in time to do something useful.

My toast for 2010: May I learn to live with complete personal integrity.