Random Thoughts

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Sometimes I think that should just be the motto of my life, sadly enough. I'm currently avoiding picking out songs. So far I've been catching up on the blogs that I've gotten behind on during the Christmas vacation. I did get on the internet with an actual goal in mind, and I have paid my cell phone bill and ordered more herbs, but mostly I've just been poking around. Not answering all my facebook messages like I should. Or anything else useful. Oh, well.

At work we were discussing the newest Twilight movie. Usually referred to by me as "that stupid sparkly vampire thing." Although I found out today that it has werewolves, which makes it slightly more interesting. Anyway, I made a comment about "maybe she just hadn't seen him take his shirt off yet," right when I realized my manager was standing there. He was amused, I was embarrassed. I found the whole, "I would have expected it from some people, but you?" comment pretty funny. I don't think of myself as a quiet person. Maybe a quiet person with a big mouth. My coworkers laughed about it for hours. I asked the one sitting in front why she hadn't said anything. She said she didn't want to interrupt the conversation. Seriously, if I'm ever discussing half-naked men with my boss standing right there, interrupt me!

I was thinking about the year being almost over. 2008 really sucked: divorce, bankruptcy, car accident, etc. But, in a way it was good, because I got to clean out a lot of what was clouding my life. This year has been good. It's felt like I'm just rebuilding my life over again. I'm so grateful my sister and her husband have let me live with them while I'm trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again. I'm grateful for my whole family, actually. They're all sorts of awesome.

I know I've used this blog to whine a lot. It's nice to have a place where I don't have to be brave and strong about my headaches. Not that I always am everywhere else, but I try to be, because it's really annoying to whine all the time. And it's not that I don't appreciate the good things, you know? Because I do. I have a great life, and for every time someone says I don't know how you do it, I just think, I don't have a choice and really, there are worse things. Like my favorite fall back: at least I'm not being attacked by a mountain lion. (I read a story in the Reader's Digest one time that scarred me for life.)

Okay, that's all. Now I have to pick out songs.

My Excuse for Not Posting:

I was busy writing a 50,000 word novel, and my blog doesn't count toward my word count. Even now, I have trouble typing contractions after a month of not. I participated in NaNoWriMo for the third year in a row, and won for the second time. I think my novel's going to be all sorts of cool, after some really extensive revision. At one point I had run out of plot and still needed more words and I sunk to some new lows. So, there will be a lot of deleting going on. Still, pretty satisfying. In the meantime however, two visits to the herbologist and the whole picture doctor happened, so I'll be writing about those eventually here. Just so you can appreciate my novel, though, here's an excerpt (actually two little ones):


“Gun shops?” she asked in disbelief. “Have you been to Texas recently?”
“Never been,” he said.
“Well in the Rebellion of 2014,” she said, using the same tone of disgust Southerners used for the phrase Civil War, “after the Federal government destroyed Austin, arrested thousands, ransacked homes and in general behaved like an occupying army, all the gun shops were closed. Permanently. It’s against the law for any Texan, ever, to own a weapon of any kind. It was one of the conditions of our surrender.”
The bitterness in her voice was loud and clear.
“So, where’d you learn to shoot?” he asked.
She grinned. “We never surrendered.”



“Why are we stopped?” Eve asked sleepily. She sat up from where she had been dozing against Luke.
“I need to pick up some supplies,” Luke said.
She looked out the truck window, expecting to see a store, but the only building was the Armory. It took her a minute.
“You want to break into the National Guard Armory?” Eve asked, wondering if the whole world had gone crazy or if it was just her companion.
“That’s affirmative.”
“Great. What am I supposed to do while you commit a felony?”
He kissed her on the top of the head. “Get some sleep,” he advised.

Update on the Holes in my Head

Okay, so the two holes above my eyebrows (apparently some big nerve centers) are fine now, but the one on the right side of my face still hurts when I yawn or chew or otherwise engage the muscle in any activity. I know that my muscles rarely engage in activity, but then again, we are talking about eating here. Which, despite my witch doctor taking me off of practically all food, I do quite frequently. I'm wondering if it's worth puncture pain, increased headache pain after, and a few days of face muscle pain, to get four hours of moderate relief.

And, have I mentioned I itch? No idea why, but scratching just turns into nasty welts all over, which is unattractive and unprecedented. I've learned that oatmeal baths are messy and ineffective.

The pain doctor was excited I'll be back at work next week (this week I've been on vacation), because I have fewer headaches when I'm less stressed, and he likes it when they're more frequent. I'm guessing that's a scientific observation type thing as opposed to him just liking to see me in pain, but who knows?

I'm Getting Crazier. . .

Or, at least my options are. I sent my dad a full-length, digital picture of myself for some guy that he knows that figures out how to cure people by measuring them (I think that qualifies for flat-out strange). I have an appointment next Monday with an herbologist, which should be interesting, at the very least. And today? Oh, today I had another appointment with the pain management specialist. He did trigger-point injections, which means he stabbed my head with needles and injected lydocaine into me. It hurt, but not nearly as bad as the the Q-tip approach. I asked if I looked like a pin-cushion. He assured me I looked like nothing. We'll chalk that comment up to language/cultural differences. He said if it did work he could use Botox for a more permanent solution. I'm planning on asking if he can do my forehead wrinkles while he's at it.

Anyway, he stabbed me on the right side, and it seemed to help a bit, so he stabbed me on the left. The intensity went down quite a bit. Still there, but almost to a functional level. It wore off after four hours and I could tell the difference - it was back to unbearable - so I'm thinking it really did make a difference. He said if it didn't work he would refer me to a neurosurgeon. I have another appointment next week, so we'll see about that.

By the way, I do look like a pincushion. I have very evident holes in my face from being stabbed. Unless everyone else is walking around bleeding.

Pain Experts

I went to a pain management specialist today. My appointment was at 9:15, which seemed more than reasonable for getting me to work by noon. Then he didn't see me until 10:30, and then asked a bunch of questions (why do they ask the same questions on the sheets you've already filled out?), and then he sent some helper over to the other clinic to grab some stuff. So, at noon, when I was supposed to be starting work, I was lying on one of those stupid doctor bed things, with some long Q-tips covered in novacaine-like stuff way up my nose. Which really hurt like the devil. I thought I was tough, but I cried. Next week he's going to try giving me shots in the head, which frankly sounds much happier than the nose thing.

It was a lousy day. I didn't get much sleep the night before (probably shouldn't have read the second book), I had the nose incident which made me late for work, and then I had an argument with my ex-husband. I know, why? I just called him back to tell him to please not put me as a job reference. Which I shouldn't have even had to do, because seriously? Anyway, lousy day. My advice: skip the Q-tips.

Have a Heart

I went to the cardiologist on Tuesday, and I have a great bruise on my inner right elbow to prove it. I wanted to check and see if I had a hole in my heart that might be the cause of the IPH. One of my coworker's best friend had really bad headaches and after surgery to repair the hole in her heart was all better. And my sister's husband's sister-in-law that is a nurse asked one of her neurologist friends about my headaches and he suggested I investigate the possibility.

After getting a referral from my primary care physician (who is very nice and had me get an appointment with some pain management specialists also) I went to the cardiologist. They did an EKG, which was normal. Asked me a bunch of family health questions, which I didn't know. Then the actual doctor asked me why I was there. When I explained about the headaches and my hope that I had a hole in my heart, he was very nice and got me immediately in to get an ultrasound.

For the ultrasound, they have to put in an IV so that they can pump air through your veins to see if the bubbles travel from one side of the heart to the other, since most holes are too small to really see. So, the guy stuck me with a needle but that vein collapsed, so then he got another guy and they tried for fifteen minutes to get a vein to poke. I asked how it was going. The second guy said, "You just don't have any veins jumping out and saying to poke them with a needle." I said, "That's because they're scared." And he said, "So am I!" But, they finally got it in, and I laid there and watched the cool ultrasound pictures, in color with the whole Doppler thing for a while. And then they were done.

The doctor came in and said he had good news and bad news. They don't know what is causing the headaches, but my heart is perfectly healthy. I almost cried. The ultrasound guy said he was sorry they hadn't found anything (probably a first for that!) and I made it to the car before I broke down bawling. I was so sure this nightmare was going to over soon. And now I have a big doctor bill to look forward to. Life really sucks sometimes.

Doing Something Right

I got an email today from one of my natural health research contacts, and it mentioned a study where they found that taking a combination of vitamin D3 and curcumin was found to help increase cognitive function in people with Alzheimer's. I knew I was taking curcumin with my Turmeric pills, and I knew the witch doctor had started me on vit D drops. Sure enough, it's D3. Look at that - without even trying!

Surviving Versus Living

You know those days when you're just grateful because you made it through another day, and it's over? What really sucks is when it seems like every day is like that. There's no progress being made in your life, but, darn it, you made it through work and you're still alive, and that's the best you can do.

I've been sleeping probably about 12 hours or so a day, which doesn't really leave time for much besides my job. I have things I want to do, things I need to do, things I should do, but I just have no energy to do them. I work hard at my job, but it seems like that's all the energy I have available. It's depressing, in its own little way.

There is one thing I have been doing, though. I've been doing the 100 push-ups program from their website, and I'm onto the third week. I didn't realize how weak I was, but when I started I could only do 4, and at the end of 2 weeks I could do 17, which I think is a big improvement. Not earth-shattering, but at least it's something, right?

So, about the whole internal health thing. . .

My last visit to the witch doctor revealed more troubling things. After a review of my last blood work ordered by my regular doctor, I was told that I had an infection, and I was hypoglycemic on the way to Type 2 diabetes. Here's what I don't understand - since the first of the year or so, I've been dropping weight. We're talking 30 pounds or so. And believe me, I didn't have it to lose in the beginning. I'm 5'7" and down to 105 last time I checked, which was a while ago because I've been scared to weigh myself. I had to buy a belt, and I hate wearing belts, and all my clothes are falling off, and I'm way too bony. So, why is it that my health problems, as far as thyroid and blood sugar levels, indicate that I should be overweight? It doesn't make sense, hence the not understanding.

Anyway, he also decided that my body doesn't tolerate wheat. So, I have to cut out all wheat products, and the sugary stuff. There goes my diet! I was eating junk food with a fairly clear conscience because I needed to gain weight, but now I have to depend on protein and other healthy stuff. Almonds are now my friend. (Assuming friends are something you eat.) I knew the day would come when I had to eat healthy, I was just hoping it wasn't yet.

He added vitamin D-3 to my supplements - it's liquid in an olive oil base. I'm supposed to take 4 drops twice a day, but the only way I've figured out how to do it is to shake it onto my palm and then lick it off - not elegant. It's supposed to help with the infection and heal my gut. The other addition is zinc, which I'm deficient in.

While I'm whining, did you know that the way the regular medical profession determines the acceptable levels of blood stuff is to gather the data from a huge group of people that are within 5 years age range and the same sex and then average? What upsets me is that they don't determine appropriate inclusion based on health or not - so the levels include people with pretty much every kind of disease and illness. Thus the acceptable ranges are so wide-reaching that you have to be really screwed up to fall outside of them. No wonder they don't catch minor problems before they become major. Rant over.

Organic Products

Lately I've been getting more and more concerned about the prevalence of toxic substances that we use every day. Makeup, shampoo, deodorant, etc. Not that I actually use make-up every day. But, the point is, there's no way that buildup can be good for us. Our bodies have so much toxicity to fight off daily just because of the environments that we live in, that there's no reason to put that much more in deliberately through our skin. I've been thinking I should wait until I'm a bit more financially secure before spending the extra money on products that won't kill me, but it's so much easier to clean up externally than with the junk I internalize through eating, that I think it's probably worth a shot. After all, should anyone really have to walk around being scared of their mascara?

Things That Help

Here are the supplements that I take daily, that seem to help:
Omega3/6/9 (right ratio of good fats from fish/borage/flax)
Primrose Oil (helps with PMS)
Thyroid Essentials
Kelp (otherwise I itch all over without the iodine, because of my thyroid)
Probiotics (without these my tummy will hurt after every meal)
CoQ10 (good for cardiovascular health - I think it helps with my circulation)
Adrenal Stuff
Cyruta (good for circulation)
Spirulina and Chorella (keeps me regular, detoxifies)
Tumeric (one of the best natural anti-inflammatory sources)
Melatonin (otherwise I wouldn't sleep)

My relaxation CD that I got from the psychologist that did biofeedback with me is really great for helping me clear my mind at the end of the day.

Doing things I really enjoy seems to decrease the frequency of my IPH, at least while I'm doing it. For me, that means mostly writing or reading.

My Witch Doctor

So, you know how I said that I'd tried so many doctors, I was now looking for a witch doctor to see if they could help? Well, I found one. Through my sister, who got a facebook message from a friend who had seen me holding my head at church, and who knew a friend who had a doctor. . .anyway, I went to see him a few weeks ago.

The door says "chiropractor", but I've been to chiropractors, and that wouldn't be my description. He uses EFT (emotional freedom techniques, you know, tapping?), herbs and supplements, chiropractic adjustments, and some really weird stuff. Like telling me that the left side of my brain is slower, and so I need to push, pull, turn all the joints on the right side of my body twice a day. And wear blue glasses for four hours. And eat two tablespoons of sea salt a day. And he checked out all my supplements by putting them on my tummy and asking my body if they were good for it or not. Luckily, all but two were, so I haven't been completely wasting my money.

I'm supposed to fax him my last blood tests, but I haven't found them yet. Maybe because I haven't looked yet. But, I have been so tired lately. He gave me some pills for my adrenal glands, which he said were completely worn out, and promised me energy. Instead, I feel like I've been catching up on the last seven years of real sleep I've missed. Which is nice in its own way, but, man, I feel like such a slug.
I'll have to admit that although I laugh a lot at all the weird stuff he does and has me do, I have a lot of respect for the guy. He has a really thorough understanding of the body and how all the systems relate to each other and interact, which is reassuring. And he gets that emotions affect the physical state. Not to mention, he's pretty darn cute.

And I would have looked so good in a uniform -

The Navy recruiter called yesterday night. I hadn't heard from him for two weeks - he was supposed to be checking on whether I could get a waiver for my thyroid medication. Apparently the Navy doesn't want me with my medical history. Imagine that! At least now I don't have to learn how to swim.

I lied. . .

Tonight at work they had an appreciation dinner. You know, one to say thank you to all the people they're laying off. It was a nice dinner. I sat at a table with a couple of women I rarely have the chance to talk to and about halfway through, one of them asked if I had a headache. Could have been the whole grabbing the head every few minutes thing, it's usually a sure giveaway. Anyway, I said oh, I always have a headache. Which, far from ending the questions, just got them going. Yes, I'd seen every doctor about them, no, there was nothing they could do. Seven years. Yeah, it sucks. Do I have them when I sleep - yes. It was then I uttered quite possibly the stupidest line of the night: "I don't really wake up for them, though, so it just affects my quality of sleep. Really, they're not so terrible." Immediately after saying this, I realized that in my effort to end the discussion, I'd just lied. They are terrible. I just don't figure anybody really wants to hear how terrible. I could have said I cry everyday and that I envy my 18-month-old niece for being able to scream when she hurts. I could have said that I'm so tired of hurting all the time that I'd be pretty willing to sell my soul for a pain-free rest of my life. I could have said I lie in bed in the morning, not wanting to get up and do it all over again, and that surviving instead of living really doesn't seem fair. But, I didn't. And then we talked about TV shows.

Welcome to my world

My world: For the past seven years, I've experienced extreme pain every few minutes knifing through my head. Obviously, not a good thing, so I went to the doctor. First a family practitioner, then another, then a psychiatrist, psychologist, two neurologists, an orthodontist, a couple of specialists, an alternative healer, a chiropractor, a nutritionist, and an acupuncturist. (I'm currently looking for a good witch doctor.) I've had a cat scan, an MRI, and tons of blood work. I now know a lot of things that aren't causing my headaches.
Finally, my dad mentioned ice pick headaches. Out of all my research, I'd never heard of them. Apparently they affect less than 2% of the population, and are pretty much what they sound like - excruciating pain that hits every so often. I found a discussion forum and read the whole thing at once. Quite honestly, I was crying by the time I finished. Not because it upset me to read about so many people with such frightening, horrible pain and suffering, but because I was so happy that I wasn't the only one!
Here are some of the things I found most interesting:
-One woman had broken a dish once to grab her head
-A man wrote about how he was angry because it didn't seem fair to have that much pain
-Some lucky people only get them twice a month or so, but it's still scary enough they needed to find out what it was
-People worry that they're having a stroke, or aneurysm, or dying
-Those who have experienced both, say the ice pick headaches are worse than the pain of childbirth, cancer, and gunshot wounds
-There is no cause or cure
-One woman, who is now in her 50's, said she's had them since she was 17 or so, and is still alive

TRANSLATION: the good news is - it won't kill you and the bad news is - it won't kill you

Now that I finally know what it is, and that I won't magically be able to cure it with medication, or surgery, or lifestyle changes, I need to figure out how to live gracefully with chronic pain, and without hope.