Happy New Year!

Or, for those of you who remember ShowBoat: Haaaaapy New Year! I'm going to remember 2009 with fondness. I crossed 3 things off of my 43 Things List, moved to Utah from Illinois, got a new job, moved departments twice, paid off $7234 of debt (leaving me with $4700 to pay this year), wrote more than I have in years, tried lots more doctors, tried online dating, and in general rediscovered that I actually like myself. Good times.

So, for 2010, here's the plan: I'm going to blackbelt my finances so that I can completely pay off the rest of my debt and get some money in savings. I'm assuming that by June or sooner I'll feel comfortable moving to an apartment. By my birthday in June I should be in my own place and have my Owed novel printed. I'm thinking if that gets done I'll celebrate with a spa day and some nice fish and chocolate from some place online that charges outrageous prices but looks really good. That, of course, would mean all my debt was gone. I'd like to get all my stuff under control, which I'll have to do most of after I move, since right now most of what I own (which somehow I've been living without just fine) is storing in the shed. But, I still have my filing and clothing to go through now. I'll continue working on the headaches, there's still a lot of lifestyle changes I need to make. Getting more consistent sleep, exercising, and meal plans. I want to cook more, and play basketball once the weather's warmer, and wake up in time to do something useful.

My toast for 2010: May I learn to live with complete personal integrity.

Random Thoughts

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Sometimes I think that should just be the motto of my life, sadly enough. I'm currently avoiding picking out songs. So far I've been catching up on the blogs that I've gotten behind on during the Christmas vacation. I did get on the internet with an actual goal in mind, and I have paid my cell phone bill and ordered more herbs, but mostly I've just been poking around. Not answering all my facebook messages like I should. Or anything else useful. Oh, well.

At work we were discussing the newest Twilight movie. Usually referred to by me as "that stupid sparkly vampire thing." Although I found out today that it has werewolves, which makes it slightly more interesting. Anyway, I made a comment about "maybe she just hadn't seen him take his shirt off yet," right when I realized my manager was standing there. He was amused, I was embarrassed. I found the whole, "I would have expected it from some people, but you?" comment pretty funny. I don't think of myself as a quiet person. Maybe a quiet person with a big mouth. My coworkers laughed about it for hours. I asked the one sitting in front why she hadn't said anything. She said she didn't want to interrupt the conversation. Seriously, if I'm ever discussing half-naked men with my boss standing right there, interrupt me!

I was thinking about the year being almost over. 2008 really sucked: divorce, bankruptcy, car accident, etc. But, in a way it was good, because I got to clean out a lot of what was clouding my life. This year has been good. It's felt like I'm just rebuilding my life over again. I'm so grateful my sister and her husband have let me live with them while I'm trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again. I'm grateful for my whole family, actually. They're all sorts of awesome.

I know I've used this blog to whine a lot. It's nice to have a place where I don't have to be brave and strong about my headaches. Not that I always am everywhere else, but I try to be, because it's really annoying to whine all the time. And it's not that I don't appreciate the good things, you know? Because I do. I have a great life, and for every time someone says I don't know how you do it, I just think, I don't have a choice and really, there are worse things. Like my favorite fall back: at least I'm not being attacked by a mountain lion. (I read a story in the Reader's Digest one time that scarred me for life.)

Okay, that's all. Now I have to pick out songs.

My Excuse for Not Posting:

I was busy writing a 50,000 word novel, and my blog doesn't count toward my word count. Even now, I have trouble typing contractions after a month of not. I participated in NaNoWriMo for the third year in a row, and won for the second time. I think my novel's going to be all sorts of cool, after some really extensive revision. At one point I had run out of plot and still needed more words and I sunk to some new lows. So, there will be a lot of deleting going on. Still, pretty satisfying. In the meantime however, two visits to the herbologist and the whole picture doctor happened, so I'll be writing about those eventually here. Just so you can appreciate my novel, though, here's an excerpt (actually two little ones):


“Gun shops?” she asked in disbelief. “Have you been to Texas recently?”
“Never been,” he said.
“Well in the Rebellion of 2014,” she said, using the same tone of disgust Southerners used for the phrase Civil War, “after the Federal government destroyed Austin, arrested thousands, ransacked homes and in general behaved like an occupying army, all the gun shops were closed. Permanently. It’s against the law for any Texan, ever, to own a weapon of any kind. It was one of the conditions of our surrender.”
The bitterness in her voice was loud and clear.
“So, where’d you learn to shoot?” he asked.
She grinned. “We never surrendered.”



“Why are we stopped?” Eve asked sleepily. She sat up from where she had been dozing against Luke.
“I need to pick up some supplies,” Luke said.
She looked out the truck window, expecting to see a store, but the only building was the Armory. It took her a minute.
“You want to break into the National Guard Armory?” Eve asked, wondering if the whole world had gone crazy or if it was just her companion.
“That’s affirmative.”
“Great. What am I supposed to do while you commit a felony?”
He kissed her on the top of the head. “Get some sleep,” he advised.

Update on the Holes in my Head

Okay, so the two holes above my eyebrows (apparently some big nerve centers) are fine now, but the one on the right side of my face still hurts when I yawn or chew or otherwise engage the muscle in any activity. I know that my muscles rarely engage in activity, but then again, we are talking about eating here. Which, despite my witch doctor taking me off of practically all food, I do quite frequently. I'm wondering if it's worth puncture pain, increased headache pain after, and a few days of face muscle pain, to get four hours of moderate relief.

And, have I mentioned I itch? No idea why, but scratching just turns into nasty welts all over, which is unattractive and unprecedented. I've learned that oatmeal baths are messy and ineffective.

The pain doctor was excited I'll be back at work next week (this week I've been on vacation), because I have fewer headaches when I'm less stressed, and he likes it when they're more frequent. I'm guessing that's a scientific observation type thing as opposed to him just liking to see me in pain, but who knows?

I'm Getting Crazier. . .

Or, at least my options are. I sent my dad a full-length, digital picture of myself for some guy that he knows that figures out how to cure people by measuring them (I think that qualifies for flat-out strange). I have an appointment next Monday with an herbologist, which should be interesting, at the very least. And today? Oh, today I had another appointment with the pain management specialist. He did trigger-point injections, which means he stabbed my head with needles and injected lydocaine into me. It hurt, but not nearly as bad as the the Q-tip approach. I asked if I looked like a pin-cushion. He assured me I looked like nothing. We'll chalk that comment up to language/cultural differences. He said if it did work he could use Botox for a more permanent solution. I'm planning on asking if he can do my forehead wrinkles while he's at it.

Anyway, he stabbed me on the right side, and it seemed to help a bit, so he stabbed me on the left. The intensity went down quite a bit. Still there, but almost to a functional level. It wore off after four hours and I could tell the difference - it was back to unbearable - so I'm thinking it really did make a difference. He said if it didn't work he would refer me to a neurosurgeon. I have another appointment next week, so we'll see about that.

By the way, I do look like a pincushion. I have very evident holes in my face from being stabbed. Unless everyone else is walking around bleeding.

Pain Experts

I went to a pain management specialist today. My appointment was at 9:15, which seemed more than reasonable for getting me to work by noon. Then he didn't see me until 10:30, and then asked a bunch of questions (why do they ask the same questions on the sheets you've already filled out?), and then he sent some helper over to the other clinic to grab some stuff. So, at noon, when I was supposed to be starting work, I was lying on one of those stupid doctor bed things, with some long Q-tips covered in novacaine-like stuff way up my nose. Which really hurt like the devil. I thought I was tough, but I cried. Next week he's going to try giving me shots in the head, which frankly sounds much happier than the nose thing.

It was a lousy day. I didn't get much sleep the night before (probably shouldn't have read the second book), I had the nose incident which made me late for work, and then I had an argument with my ex-husband. I know, why? I just called him back to tell him to please not put me as a job reference. Which I shouldn't have even had to do, because seriously? Anyway, lousy day. My advice: skip the Q-tips.

Have a Heart

I went to the cardiologist on Tuesday, and I have a great bruise on my inner right elbow to prove it. I wanted to check and see if I had a hole in my heart that might be the cause of the IPH. One of my coworker's best friend had really bad headaches and after surgery to repair the hole in her heart was all better. And my sister's husband's sister-in-law that is a nurse asked one of her neurologist friends about my headaches and he suggested I investigate the possibility.

After getting a referral from my primary care physician (who is very nice and had me get an appointment with some pain management specialists also) I went to the cardiologist. They did an EKG, which was normal. Asked me a bunch of family health questions, which I didn't know. Then the actual doctor asked me why I was there. When I explained about the headaches and my hope that I had a hole in my heart, he was very nice and got me immediately in to get an ultrasound.

For the ultrasound, they have to put in an IV so that they can pump air through your veins to see if the bubbles travel from one side of the heart to the other, since most holes are too small to really see. So, the guy stuck me with a needle but that vein collapsed, so then he got another guy and they tried for fifteen minutes to get a vein to poke. I asked how it was going. The second guy said, "You just don't have any veins jumping out and saying to poke them with a needle." I said, "That's because they're scared." And he said, "So am I!" But, they finally got it in, and I laid there and watched the cool ultrasound pictures, in color with the whole Doppler thing for a while. And then they were done.

The doctor came in and said he had good news and bad news. They don't know what is causing the headaches, but my heart is perfectly healthy. I almost cried. The ultrasound guy said he was sorry they hadn't found anything (probably a first for that!) and I made it to the car before I broke down bawling. I was so sure this nightmare was going to over soon. And now I have a big doctor bill to look forward to. Life really sucks sometimes.