I'm mad at God, and myself, and the whole stinking world

I read somewhere recently that it was okay to be mad at God, because He could take it. Well, I sure hope so, because I can't deal with this any more. And since there is nothing I can do to change it, all I can do at this point is whine about it. I got a stupid cold/flu thing a few days ago. That's been making me miserable. A stuffy head makes my headaches a lot worse. Then I got cramps, which are just horrible by themselves. Then I went to church, which, for whatever reason (my personal feeling is that God doesn't want me there so my headaches intensify while I'm there) always makes my headaches insanely bad. So, now I'm having a breakdown. And, for those of you that think I'm always having a breakdown, I just want to point out that I spend a great deal of my life pretending to be an adult. Not right now, mind you, when all I really want to do is call my mommy and cry, but most of the time. Which is another gripe. If trials are really supposed to just be there to teach us lessons and all of that crap, then why, after I try so hard to be good and helpful and pleasant and calm, do I still have to go through the stupid trial? Obviously I'm going to fail if you make it long enough. People can only withstand torture for so long, it's a fact. And if anyone thinks I'm exaggerating with the torture, you just try this for a day or so and we'll see how you hold up without going stark raving mad and wanting someone to put a bullet in you. And then do it for nine more years. Which brings me to another point. Why is suicide wrong? It doesn't make sense. I understand that even though life gets so unbearable you can't handle it, it usually turns around. But, what if it doesn't? If life stays unbearable forever, why do you have to put up with it? Who benefits from that? Why is it humane to kill animals to end their suffering, but not okay for humans? Did I mention I'm just really mad at the world right now? I'm so tired of things not being fair. And I know other people have problems, blah, blah, blah. . .but I just don't care right now. I'll make a deal - if my problems go away, I'll care a whole lot about other people's problems. . . how's that?

Just when you think God's ignoring you. . .

I figure God hears enough of my whining that maybe He's started to tune me out. Until I was talking to my sister today about whether God ever just miscalculates how much someone can really handle. I mean, it's possible, right? Simple enough mistake to make. Understandable really. Some of us do appear quite tough (I'm flexing here). But the camel is buried in a big straw stack at this point. My headaches are off the chart bad, and I'm not dealing well. They are changing, which I prefer to see as a positive thing, but since they're getting worse, maybe that's not the most accurate way of seeing it. It's like a sledgehammer now instead of an icepick, and the duration has at least doubled, if not tripled. The frequency is down a bit, but the intensity's up. Can't have everything.

So, how do I know that God still has an ear out for me? The daily motivation I get in my email today said (in part): "Who you truly are, is always much stronger than whatever you might be going through." I suppose it's nicer than just saying "Stop whining and deal with it".