Wrinkle Reducer

I just happened upon something that helps me deal with the headaches. Apparently, when they hit, if I can concentrate on saying, "I am stronger than the pain," over and over again out loud, it distracts me enough I don't have to grab my head. Which means I'm not squinching up my face, which hopefully will help with reducing the wrinkles. Because it's bad enough to be in pain, but wrinkles? That's insult to injury, right there.

I've still been going to the chiropractor. He's cleared all my allergies, and I've still got a few muscles that need reactivated. Don't ask how many, because I keep forgetting to ask him.

Anyway, I just keep thinking of the quote: Sometimes our strengths are composed of the weaknesses we're damned if we're going to show. Sometimes I think the worst thing about these stupid IPH is me looking like a freak every time I have to grab my head. Then I remember that really the pain is the worst thing.

At work we've had a few people from another department come over and sit with us for a couple of hours to watch what we do. I've had 5 or 6 sit with me over the last couple of weeks. Last Saturday, my coworker ran into someone from that department out and about, and she asked about me. She wasn't one of the ones that had even visited us! Apparently, I'm now famous. My coworker knew I'd appreciate that one.

Looking for direction

Hope is not a course of action.

I think over the years my focus has changed from what I want to be when I grow up into who I want to be. Perhaps that's because I could never answer the first one, so it's easier to attempt to answer a new question that seems harder, and therefore more legitimately should take longer; but I'm going to give me the benefit of the doubt and say it just means that I'm trying to be more in tune with my real purpose as I age. So, now my pet project, which I'm becoming a bit obsessed with, is to define exactly who I would like to become.

My Level of Self-Discipline

So, searching the internet last night for ideas on how to actually make myself get out of bed in the morning, I ran across this list of questions for determining one's level of self discipline. Let me forewarn you, mine sucks. Let's see if yours is better. Taken from Steve.Pavlina.com.

• Do you shower/bathe every day? yeah, pretty much
  
• Do you get up at the same time every morning? Including weekends? no
  
• Are you overweight? no
  
• Do you have any addictions (caffeine, nicotine, sugar, etc.) you’d like to break but haven’t? yes
  
• Is your email inbox empty right now? my main one yes, work one no, other one almost
  
• Is your office neat and well organized? no
  
• Is your home neat and well organized? no
  
• How much time do you waste in a typical day? On a weekend? a lot
  
• If you make a promise to someone, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it? 49%
  
• If you make a promise to yourself, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it? 9%, although, in my defense I always try to make myself do hard things
  
• Could you fast for one day? possibly
  
• How well organized is your computer’s hard drive? pretty good
  
• How often do you exercise? never
  
• What’s the greatest physical challenge you’ve ever faced, and how long ago was it? I got myself to run a mile two and a half years ago, then promptly stopped
  
• How many hours of focused work do you complete in a typical workday? probably 7 or so
  
• How many items on your to do list are older than 90 days? most of them
  
• Do you have clear, written goals? Do you have written plans to achieve them? somewhat, not really
  
• If you lost your job, how much time would you spend each day looking for a new one, and how long would you maintain that level of effort? a couple of hours, probably a week or so
  
• How much TV do you currently watch? Could you give up TV for 30 days? I don't technically have TV, but Netflix has taken over my life
  
• How do you look right now? What does your appearance say about your level of discipline (clothes, grooming, etc)? relaxed (read slightly slobby, although I've never gone out in public in pajama pants), level of discipline 5 (hey, I'm showered, my hair&teeth got brushed, I have clean clothes on)
  
• Do you primarily select foods to eat based on health considerations or on taste/satiety? about half and half
  
• When was the last time you consciously adopted a positive new habit? Discontinued a bad habit? Does it count that I've thought of creating positive new habits for a long time?
  
• Are you in debt? Do you consider this debt an investment or a mistake? yes, mistake/investment/seemed like a good idea at the time
  
• Did you decide in advance to be reading this blog right now, or did it just happen? I prefer to think of it as divine intervention
  
• Can you tell me what you’ll be doing tomorrow? Next weekend? sleeping, eating, etc
  
• On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your overall level of self-discipline? 2
  
• What more could you accomplish if you could answer that last question with a 9 or 10? a whole lot
  

Just not seeing it. . .

So, here's another thing in the long list of things I don't understand: why is it that people compliment me on the way I deal with my headaches and the whole chronic pain in general thing? Don't get me wrong, it's very nice of them, and I'll take any compliment I can get, but don't they know I'm a big whiner on the inside? I always feel like I'm undeserving when people tell me that I'm tough, or amazing, or inspiring, or actually suffering with grace. Really, I'm just surviving, and if I'm able to laugh about some things in life along the way, that's just because I'd be crying otherwise. And I do enough of that. So, just for all you truly wonderful people out there, I'm pretty sure given the same trials you'd probably rock out. I just hope you never have to test that theory, because it sucks.

Live your life

"You can't leave footprints if you walk on your tiptoes."

If I Were. . .

If I were a month, I’d be June.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Wednesday
If I were a time of day, I’d be dusk
If I were a planet, I’d be Mercury
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a sea horse
If I were a direction, I’d be northwest
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a canopied bed
If I were a liquid, I’d be hot chocolate
If I were a gemstone, I’d be an opal
If I were a tree, I’d be a weeping willow
If I were a tool, I’d be a set of needle-nose pliers
If I were a flower, I’d be a tiger lily
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be sunny but cool with a slight breeze
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a harp
If I were a color, I’d be a purplish blue
If I were an emotion, I’d be wonder
If I were a fruit, I’d be an apricot
If I were a sound, I’d be silence
If I were an element, I’d be air
If I were a car, I’d be a Mitsubishi Eclipse
If I were a food, I’d be fresh spinach
If I were a place, I’d be the Taj Mahal
If I were a material, I’d be silk
If I were a taste, I’d be tangy
If I were a scent, I’d be sandalwood
If I were an object, I’d be a book
If I were a body part, I’d be an ankle
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a raised eyebrow
If I were a song, I’d be The Hard Way
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be sandals

Decisions, decisions. . .

I've been going to the muscle reactivation chiropractor for a few times now. His initial assessment was that I have about 14 neck muscles that need work. He's done about half of them now. It's a strange process - he pokes at random points on my body, finds the tender spots, and then pokes them even harder, so it hurts. It's making a difference in the muscle strength, definitely. From the test at the beginning to the end I can really tell. The headaches don't seem so impressed, though. They do seem a little less frequent, but it's hard to tell a real difference. My last visit he ran through the allergy tests and found six things he says that I'm allergic too. He's going to work on them along with the AMIT, which means the visits (he's been doing one muscle per visit) are going to start costing $95 each instead of $55. Which brings me to the question - when do I give up? Obviously it's worth the money if it fixes the IPH, but what if it doesn't? When does it all end? I am completely out of savings, back to living paycheck to paycheck, which I swore I'd never do again, and I don't know what to do.

Which brings me to the question, how important are the decisions we make? I mean, obviously they guide the lives we end up with and the people we become, but since we never know for sure what would be different had we made the other choice, do we need to stress about them? I've made plenty of really bad choices, but I'm okay with the person I am now, and I don't think I could have become this person with any other choices. Maybe I would be better, maybe not. I could be worse.

Which leads me to the wait and see decision, which isn't really a decision. But, I guess I'm good to go until the money runs out and I'm living in a cardboard box, right?